Lately I have been down in the dumps. Life right now is a bit hectic with us moving and combining offices at work but usually I handle everything fine. I went to the doctor this past Friday to see if he could put me on something to help me handle life a little bit better. I am usually STRONGLY against any types of medicine but I was literally having minor panic attacks multiple times each day. After a long talk with him, my family doctor is amazing he has known me my whole life and is not just a doctor but a friend and generally cares about me as a person, I realized that the main reason I am having such a problem is I feel like I am losing myself. Don't get me wrong I adore my children and love being a mother but for the last 12 years work has been my confidence builder. Whether it was score keeping in high school, working in Probate Court for my intern ship or my job as the head Legal Clerk for the Judge that I work for now, I have worked for as long as I can remember.
When David was born I was working as a paralegal for a corporate litigant attorney and I hated it. I was working 13 hour days then going home to a newborn who was barely sleeping through the night, to say the least it was a difficult time. After discussion with my husband I decided to quit and stay at home with our son. I hated being a stay at home mom. I know that sound absolutely awful but I am not stay at home mom material I like the interaction that I get from people at my job I enjoy having deadlines and making sure goals are met.
In less then 3 months I will again be a stay at home mom and it is honestly scaring the crap out of me. I don't mind being David and Taylor's mom but I get gratification out of my work. I am good at my job, really good at it. While I may not always have confidence in my parenting ability I am confident in what I do at work. I guess my biggest fear is that I am about to embark on one of the biggest jobs in my life as a stay at home mom and I am scared that I wont make the cut. I know my kids and husband will love me no matter what and I am pretty sure I will not scar my kids for life, but what if I fail?
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